ACT I

Scene 1 (The lab)

Researcher (Tina Fey) named Tina and Researcher 2 (Amy Poehler) enter stage left.

RESEARCHER

Thank you for coming in. We've had some surprising findings that I wanted to talk to you about.

Researcher 2

Oh. Of course. I would love to discuss findings surprising.

RESEARCHER

Well, as you know, we're testing this psoriasis medicine on all of the larger apes ... and smaller apes that we have here in the lab.

RESEARCHER 2

Of course.

RESEARCHER

And we've found a pretty interesting side effect.

RESEARCHER 2

Really?

RESEARCHER

Um, all of the monkeys have boners.

RESEARCHER 2

Interesting. Oh now I see!

Researcher 2 leaves. Researcher 3 (Ian Roberts) enters.

Researcher 3

Tina, I need to talk to you about your attire in the lab. I'm going to ask you not to come in lingerie anymore. And, just, wear a lab coat.

RESEARCHER

All right. But it seems to have a positive influence on the monkeys.

RESEARCHER 3

Yeah, the monkeys have boners.

Researcher puts on lab coat.

RESEARCHER

I think it's really gotten us somewhere.

Scene 2 (Home)

Researcher leaves. Child (Amy Poehler) named Heather enters.

Child

Mom, why don't you ever come home? You're always working.

RESEARCHER

(Exasperated)

The monkeys need me!

CHILD

But they're fine! They have boners--

Husband (Matt Besser) enters.

Husband

(Very angry)

What the hell is this? I found a banana peel in the laundry basket.

RESEARCHER

(Upset)

Fine. I didn't want to say this in front of you, Heather.

Researcher strokes child's hair.

RESEARCHER

But I am in love with a series of monkeys.

HUSBAND

(Dramatically)

What have you done?

Cell phone rings. It's a call from a Monkey.

CHILD

Hold on, it's my cell phone.

Child picks cell phone up.

CHILD

Hello?

Monkey screeches.

CHILD

It's for you.

Child hands cell phone to Researcher.

RESEARCHER

Hello?

Monkey screeches. Researcher giggles.

RESEARCHER

No. I won't be back 'til morning.

Monkey screeches.

RESEARCHER

Shh! That's ridiculous!

Husband

Let me talk to--Who is it?! Who is this?!

Husband grabs cell phone. Monkey screeches.

Husband

(Screaming)

WHAT? I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!

exit all.